My name is Alexis Pereira. I live in NYC, where I dabble in writing and acting. My work is regularly featured on Funny or Die and I've even created some original work for Funny or Die's Youtube page.
I currently write and perform at a monthly show at UCB, and I was even once on a house improv team there!
In this tumblr, you will find what I hope are interesting essays about my life. I like to think of myself as a statesman, though I may not know what that means exactly.
If you want to see and hear more about me, please visit alexispereira.net
I was having lunch at Whole Foods while four older Latinas next to me talked and laughed loudly after finishing their own lunch. They were sharing stories about raising their kids, and their ages ranged from about 30 to probably around 55. Finally, the oldest woman spoke up.
"Oh I think I have the topper!" she announced.
The other three ladies “oh’d” excitedly as the matriarch began her story.
"My son had this dog. This chandoso, and he was just so obsessed with it!”
The other ladies shook their heads while sighing disapprovingly.
"Nuh uh, I would never let an animal into my home," one added to approving ‘mm-hmms.’
The older woman continued.
"And his grades were bad, and so I told him, ‘mira, if you don’t get your grades up, I’m taking this damn dog to the pound!”
A roar of laughter. Claps.
"That’s right!" said one.
"You shoulda just taken it," said another.
"Take him to the woods and let him go!" said the last one.
The old woman waited for them to calm down and continued:
"And so one day while he was at school, I did!"
To say the air got sucked out of the room would be an understatement. The permanent smiles on the three younger Latinas were ripped off, and two of them grabbed their hearts. This is something with which I’m familiar having been around Latina mothers my whole life. When they hear something horrible happen to another child, they immediately imagine it happening to their own child and have a stroke.
The only cure is a novena.
After a few seconds of silence (and confusion from the older woman), one of the ladies spoke.
"Helen you can’t do that," she whispered.
"Do what? I hated that dog," answered Helen.
The two other women were still too shocked to speak, so the woman continued, “he coulda been messed up by that.”
"I warned him!" said Helen, laughingly, trying to recapture the magic that had left the room one minute ago.
Finally another woman spoke:
"Did you get the dog back?"
Helen shrugged, “We tried, but when we got to the pound they had already given it away.”
The grief moved onto its next stage, anger.
"HELEN, HOW COULD YOU?!" yelled one woman.
"Oh my God!" moaned the other.
"You can’t throw away a boy’s dog!" yelled the last woman.
"Oh my God!" again moaned the second.
Helen wouldn’t budge.
"I told him, get your grades up. He didn’t! This was like 15 years ago anyway."
The women stood up and started walking away, but the conversation continued in hush tones as they walked through the Whole Foods dining area.
There are three lessons to be had here: first, know your audience. Second, don’t give away your son’s dog because of his grades. And finally, listen to your mother.
I’ve been following all three my whole life.
I was walking home from the subway last night when a chihuahua without a leash but in a big dog coat walked out from behind a parked car and slowly ambled towards me. I immediately crouched down and hugged it so it didn’t run back into traffic.
"Hey cutie! What happened? Are you lost?" I asked.
The dog just stood there and looked me in the eye as I wondered what I should do. Am I bringing this dog home? Do I need to make posters? I started thinking about those fliers with the phone number on the bottom 10 times but realized that I wasn’t selling this little guy and that was unnecessary. The dog stood near me even as I let it go and I looked around my block.
"Where are you from cutie? Did you get out?"
The dog continued to look me in the eye as I pet it and looked around the dark street. Finally, I heard a voice behind me:
"Hesper, come here."
I turned around to see the middle-aged Greek woman who lives on my block smoking a few yards behind me. I suddenly recognized her as the lady who walks her three dogs without a leash.
"Oh, I’m sorry, I thought he was lost," I explained.
She took a drag of her cigarette and threw me a half-interested gaze.
"She likes to listen to people. I let her listen to you for a little bit."
I turned back to Hesper as it waited to see if I had anything else to say. I didn’t, and the woman called her again:
"Hesper, come here!"
Hesper slowly ambled towards her, and I got up and walked away without another word. No shame in talking if someone’s willing to listen, as I always say.
A few months ago, I was shaken awake by my girlfriend at about 3 in the morning. I was groggy, and there was a loud banging in the background. I looked over at her and asked what was up. Her words made my blood run cold:
"Somebody’s trying to get in…"
Fear does wonders for you when you’re sleepy. We live in a pretty safe area with a lot of people in the building, so I didn’t think we were dead. But I was frozen for a moment. I then composed myself and thought about grabbing the softball bat that sat in the back of my closet. I got up and walked out of the bedroom and realized that the banging was too far away.
"That’s not our door," I told her.
I walked over to the front door and looked out the peephole. Our neighbor was desperately banging against her apartment door with two hands, screaming “let me in!” over and over. She banged and screamed for about 2 minutes (a long time) before the door finally opened and she flew in. And it was silent again.
I told this anecdote a few nights ago to a girl I know and her boyfriend. He was from Tennessee - very polite with a firm handshake. After I told them the story, he looked at me like I was insane.
"She sounded like she was in trouble," he said in his folksy accent.
"Uh, yeah, idunno."
"You shoulda walked out and found out what the heck was goin’ on. Or at least open your door and ask if she was all right."
"She looked ok. It felt like a lover’s quarrel."
He was not amused.
"At 3 am with her bangin’ on a door like she’s being hunted by a murderer?"
I was now embarrassed and annoyed.
"If somebody came up behind her or something I would definitely do something," I answered, "I was watching."
"You sure were."
Even though I was right in that it was a lover’s quarrel, he was right in that I couldn’t be sure. I should have asked if she was ok. But I’d like to somehow blame my actions that day on being a lifelong New Yorker.
Our final 3 teams advancing to the semi-finals were Fuck Destiny! (Oh Shit) (Matthew Torres, Raymond Cordova, Jon Murray), LA
(Shaun Diston, Anthony Apruzzese, Alexis Pereira), and Sabonis (Don Fanelli, Michael Kayne, Connor Ratliff)
Wildcard #4 called themselves Sperm Whale and featured Keisza Szosi, Pavel Ezrohi, and Liana Afuni.
Semi-Finals will be at 8pm and 9:30pm, with the Finals at 11pm! Two teams will advance from each Semi-Final to compete in the Finals!
LA takes off again tonight at 9:30. See you den.
"Damn kid, you really do not know shit about this world, huh?"
This is the best Tumblr.