Hi!

My name is Alexis Pereira. I live in NYC, where I dabble in writing and acting. My work is regularly featured on Funny or Die and I've even created some original work for Funny or Die's Youtube page.

I currently write and perform at a monthly show at UCB, and I was even once on a house improv team there!

In this tumblr, you will find what I hope are interesting essays about my life. I like to think of myself as a statesman, though I may not know what that means exactly.

If you want to see and hear more about me, please visit alexispereira.net

 

Give Me a Break

I think we should give a break to taking a break.

Every fuck’n day, I see a news story attacking somebody for taking a vacation.

The President gets it a lot. Now the Mayor of NYC. CEOs. Celebrities. Basically anybody in the public eye is attacked and/or mocked for going on vacation.

And I know what you’re saying: but they’re rich, they’re powerful. Maybe they should go on vacation, but at the very least, I don’t give a shit about hurting their feelings. Fuck ‘em.

Well, you should give a shit. Because these news stories aren’t really trying to take away their vacations. They’re trying to take away YOUR vacation.

You think it’s an accident that ‘vacation” has become a bad word? Who do you think pays for these news stories? Literally every company on Earth. Who doesn’t want you to have leverage when taking your vacation? Again, literally every company on Earth. By sponsoring news stories attacking these public personas for going on vacation, the powers that be have made it easier to then tell people like you and me “no” when we ask for our vacations from work. 

And of course, they don’t just say “no” - they subvert our vacations. Some companies give 3 weeks but write you up for taking every day. Some quietly suggest you don’t take more than half your days. Some force you to keep answering your emails. 

And why do they have that power? Why don’t more people go ballistic?

Because it’s…ew…vacation. Vacation is for slobs. You care, don’t you? Unlike that Obama, who went GOLFING for 2 days. Vacation is where fat people lay shirtless on the beach and then die of a coronary. Vacation is where, ugh, celebrities walk around on a boat. Are you gonna walk around on a boat? Like you’re a princess? A LAZY princess?! No, right? Good, see you Monday.

So, remember, it’s all a scam. Shut up about other people’s vacations - whoever they are - and take yours. 

Or die.

Two Girls, One Up

Having forgotten my Morrissey autobiography at home, I just stared straight ahead at the subway map on my way home, when I heard a girl who was standing in front of me blurt out:

"You’re so pretty."

I looked up and there was a very striking 25-year-old brunette smiling abashedly at the the girl sitting next to me, a blush slowly growing on her cheeks. She looked like she was coming from work, wearing the requisite pencil cut grey miniskirt and white blouse. The girl next to me, a blonde I didn’t dare look at, was obviously stunned but managed to slightly laugh and respond:

"Oh, God, thank you - you’re so pretty. I love your hair."

The brunette, now with perhaps 20 pairs of eyes looking at her and in full blush, refused to believe the veracity of this returned compliment, and just shook her head and looked down and muttered:

"Aw, thanks…it’s…thanks."

A few stops later, without another word to each other, the brunette got off the train. 

Carpe diem, young lady. Carpe diem.

New Pantry Boy sketch entitled, “The Artist” (1:28)

Written by Alexis Pereira

Starring Julia Ogilvie, Lily Du, and Alexis Pereira

Directedand edited by Luke Koz

Shot by Johnny Sousa

Sound by Curtis Raye

"Special Makeup" (A New Pantry Boy Sketch) (2:19) 

Written by Alexis Pereira

Staring Alexis Pereira, Sarah Wharton, Dave Siegel, & Betsy Kenney.

Directed and edited by Luke Koz.

Shot by Johnny Sousa.

Sound by Curtis Raye.

It’s Not Nice to be Nice

My bank constantly makes me uncomfortable and I’ve recently learned it’s all for naught.

Whenever I walk into my bank, some manager/greeter in a suit sorta walks up to me and says, “Hey, welcome to Capital One! How are you? Can I do anything for you?”

I hate this.

I just want to walk into my bank and use the ATM or make a deposit like an old man by dealing with as few people as possible. Maybe there are middle-aged idiots who enjoy this “service,” but it is not a service, as they’re just gonna pass you off anyway.

So anyway I walked into my bank to deposit my coins when I was accosted as usual. However, as I tried I ignore him, I noticed they got rid of their coin machine.

For the first time, I accepted bank manager/greeter’s offer.

"Uh, I need to deposit coins, where’s the machine?"

"Oh we got rid of it," he answered.

"So I gotta pack the coins?"

"Yep."

"Do you have any packing slips?"

"Yep! You can just wait in line and ask the teller for some slips!"

Thanks, asshole!

I waited in line for 15 minutes, got the slips, and then sat at a table for an hour filling slips. These times are underestimations.

By the time I finished, the line was enormous. There were about 20-25 people waiting, and tellers were clocking out, with two tellers left. I unfortunately had to give up, and I started walking out.

"How was everything today?!" asked the manager/greeter.

In a last ditch effort, I again said something.

"It took too long to pack the coins and now the line is gigantic."

He gave me a big smile and said, “All right. Have a great day.”

We often speak with trepidation about the day robots will take over every job, turning humans into gelatinous husks. However, if my bank were run by robots, and I had this exact same experience, people would be up in arms and force everything about it to be reprogrammed.

Robot bothering you when you enter? No.

Robot finding a way to actually assist you? Yes.

Programming is easy!

Instead, I have to battle my social anxiety while entering and leaving the bank. And what do I get for it?

Jack shit.

It’s not nice to be nice. Sometimes it’s just annoying.

"Am I a cop? Heck no. ::takes slow pull on his cigarette:: I was in the academy though. Scored flying colors on marksmanship and chasing down thugs. Unfortunately, me and the Chief didn’t see eye to eye. He told me to play things by the book, I told him I’d start playing things by the book as soon as Osama Bin Laden did the same. Now I’m a short order cook in a small diner in Hell’s Kitchen. Still got my skills though. Wake up every morning and do 200 situps, pushups, pullups, and yards. I can shoot the seat off a Citibike from the next Citibike station over. And I can get a confession out of an innocent deaf-mute in 15 minutes. So am I qualified to find the young man who scratchittied the word "Yessica" on this seat on the N train? ::puts on sunglasses:: You’re the one who plays things by the book…you tell me."
- a short, imagined monologue by Alexis Pereira

"Am I a cop? Heck no. ::takes slow pull on his cigarette:: I was in the academy though. Scored flying colors on marksmanship and chasing down thugs. Unfortunately, me and the Chief didn’t see eye to eye. He told me to play things by the book, I told him I’d start playing things by the book as soon as Osama Bin Laden did the same. Now I’m a short order cook in a small diner in Hell’s Kitchen. Still got my skills though. Wake up every morning and do 200 situps, pushups, pullups, and yards. I can shoot the seat off a Citibike from the next Citibike station over. And I can get a confession out of an innocent deaf-mute in 15 minutes. So am I qualified to find the young man who scratchittied the word "Yessica" on this seat on the N train? ::puts on sunglasses:: You’re the one who plays things by the book…you tell me."

- a short, imagined monologue by Alexis Pereira

tenideas:

Ten Ideas

with Ryan Williams and Taylor Moore

Episode 79: The Beetlejuice Experience

Alexis Pereira has some ideas, and what better place to sonically display them than here on Ten Ideas? Nowhere! This week, we’re all about solving probs (short for problems). Too many bees in your “product”? You’re covered. Terrible prosecco at your famous murder mystery party? We fix it. Apartheid, how to behave when hungry, and how to get rid of two strippers named Kleenex and Drain are all probs we solve, this week on Ten Ideas.

Email your ideas and small, but thoughtful, birthday checks to wehavetenideas@gmail.com

Have Ten Ideas automatically delivered to your earbuds for free.

Today is Rudy Behrens Day. Celebrate it by listening to me as a guest on 10 Ideas with Ryan Williams and Taylor Moore.

Subway Boyfriend

"Do you have a dollar?" 

She was rifling through her purse as a man on the subway train played a zampoña, an Andean pan flute which served as decoration for every Latino-American household. It’s an Inca instrument, and my uncle once yelled at me for confusedly thinking the Incas may have also lived in Colombia.

"WHAT? No! They lived in Peru!"

"What about the Mayas?"

"THE MAYAS!? What the hell are they teaching you at this school?!"

I continued reading, imagining she was talking to somebody on her left side. But now she looked up at me, catching my eye as I looked up from my book, and asked again:

"Do you have anything? I wanna give him something."

She was a pretty young Latina, possibly Dominican. We had been sitting next to each other since I first got on the train and now I was apparently her boyfriend.

"Sorry," I muttered, and it was true. Though my innate NYC defense protocol warned me not to pull out my wallet to a stranger, no matter how many stops we sat next to each other.

"Oh wait, I got something. Here!" she called out to the man in the poncho as he collected money. I went back to my book and we ignored each other the rest of the way.

However, I couldn’t stop turning the incident over in my mind. Is she crazy? Should I just chalk it up to her being Dominican?

But then I had a new idea. Perhaps there was a slimy dude on the train making eye contact with her, and she wanted him to think I was her boyfriend. I had been wearing my jacket, making me seem more menacing than usual. This wasn’t an act of hubris or insanity, but a smart move on her part.

I liked that explanation, and I’m glad I started my day with a good deed.

Over The Shoulder

Women on the subway often read the books I am reading. By that I mean they often look over my shoulder and read along.

I know this is some kind of faux pas, but I’ve never minded it. Today during a particularly gruesome death scene in “The Light in the Ruins,” I made an audible groan, and the young lady sitting next to me reading along also groaned.

I looked up and we both laughed.

Never a more exciting time in New York City than the first nice summer Monday, when women break out their newly-laundered warm-weather work dresses. Into the depths of their closets go the heavy coats and heavy hearts. No longer are they misshapen woolly caterpillars, but beautiful butterflies bouncing in the breeze.  

Goodbye spring cardigans! Say hello to the world, legs!

I went back to reading, and she pulled out a cell phone. 

Meanwhile, the man on my right sat with his legs spread open enough for a baby his own size to pass through his asshole.

alexispereira asked
This is probably weird but my biggest positive change came from going to class shows and noting them. And not even "improv" moves but overall demeanor. I'd go to 201s and 301s and note what I thought was annoying behavior and go, "that's un-supportive...wait a minute, I DO THAT!" Now I'm the king of improv.

ucblove:

Thanks, King Alexis!

The things that beginner students have problems with are the things we all have problems with. You don’t just learn something in improv and then you’re perfect at it, it’s always a skill that can be tightened and sharpened.

So if you’re new to improv, don’t get in your head about having trouble with something because everybody else is working on the same thing.

Submit your advice, tips, and tricks for UCB students/community members. (Can be anonymous.)

UCB knows.