Hi!

My name is Alexis Pereira. I live in NYC, where I dabble in writing and acting. My work is regularly featured on Funny or Die and I've even created some original work for Funny or Die's Youtube page.

I currently write and perform at a monthly show at UCB, and I was even once on a house improv team there!

In this tumblr, you will find what I hope are interesting essays about my life. I like to think of myself as a statesman, though I may not know what that means exactly.

If you want to see and hear more about me, please visit alexispereira.net

 

comedycentral:

It’s here! Click here for your first look at the new season of Key & Peele!

Season premiere Wednesday after South Park.

Goddamn you, Key & Peele.

My favorite Steve Jobs story is when he himself canceled the first iPhone because the screen got scratched up IN HIS POCKET. He was and continues to be the only person at Apple who isn’t an idiot.

Hairy Man

When I was a kid, I mostly loved the X-Men cartoon. I say mostly because I hated that Morph died (in like the third episode) and I lost interest around the time Jean Grey became Phoenix and it got complicated and weird.

But what I remember most was an episode where people turn against mutants. I don’t remember specifically what happened but normal people hit the streets looking to beat up mutants.

I thought this was crazy, considering they were about to get frozen or blown away or whatever, but they did find one. He was a homeless man with hair all over his body, and when they grabbed him, he went, “I’m a mutant but my only power is that I’m hairy!”

Everything about that scene was so crazy that my brain nearly collapsed on itself.

Firstly, this mob, without weapons, is upset that mutants are dangerous. So what do they do? They go out and try to beat one up?! Can you imagine if they ran into the Juggernaut? He’d murder 500 of them with one jog.

Then I thought about this poor hairy guy. He’s just hairy! Does that make him a mutant? And he’s homeless. Come on, guys.

Anyway, I just remembered that this morning and I thought I’d write about it.

aapruzzese:

All new Web Presents!

This is called “Ice Cream.” 

Featuring myself and Jillian Vogel. 

Subscribe to my youtube channel if ya haven’t yet! There’s more of these coming out soon!

Was this just hidden camera?

poupak:

kimkanyekimye:

Kanye is everything!!!

You know, I’m not much a celebrity blah blah person (except the occasional fangirl thingy) so I am going to reblog this because a man who does this for his woman, or a woman who does this for her man equally, it’s the best thing in the world. Just watching out for each other is such a precious thing. No matter who’s watching, no matter what others think, just watch out for the people around you. 

So yeah, no matter how much hate the internet has for Kimye, I love these pics.

I have a crush on Kanye’s crush on Kim. <3

meatballpresents:

Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology. 308 Bedford Ave, Brooklyn.
Friday, August 29 at 9:30pm. Featuring improvisation from Cory Palmer, Rekha Shankar, Evan Altshuler, Alexis Pereira, Alexis Rhiannon, and Nicole Pasquale.

I&#8217;m doing this show baby. It gets full so come early. 

meatballpresents:

Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology. 308 Bedford Ave, Brooklyn.

Friday, August 29 at 9:30pm. Featuring improvisation from Cory Palmer, Rekha Shankar, Evan Altshuler, Alexis Pereira, Alexis Rhiannon, and Nicole Pasquale.

I’m doing this show baby. It gets full so come early. 

The Staff

The Staff

by Alexis Pereira

The following is a true story.

She was rich. He was not.

She was a multi-millionaire. And he acted like those millions were his.

He’d order the food for everybody at the table at the finest restaurants. The most expensive bottles of wine he could get his hands on. He had his personally tailored clothes flown in from around the world. She didn’t, though, claiming she wasn’t interested in it, though there were rumors that he didn’t allow her to.

There were rumors that he wanted to leave, too. That a few years into their marriage he felt small, useless. He had some money. She wouldn’t have married a guy with no money. He was also very handsome.

He could be a news anchor, the Spanish-speaking staff would all agree.

But she wouldn’t have it. Not that she was SO in love with him, but she was too prideful to be divorced. She told him it wasn’t an option.

"Of course it’s an option, what are you gonna do?" he asked.

"What if I gave you all my money?"

That stopped him in his tracks. They went to a lawyer and worked out a new nuptial agreement, wherein he was now in charge of her millions. He started sleeping in the main bedroom again shortly afterwards.

A few years later, there were new rumors. He wasn’t coming home with lipstick on his collar, but a staff that dotes on you 24/7 notices everything. 

"El tiene otra," they started whispering to each other. "He has another."

They wondered if she knew. She certainly didn’t act any different. She didn’t seem upset or suspicious. 

But one day, during one of their arguments, she stopped talking mid-sentence. And she just stared at him. He looked at her, flummoxed. His anger turned to worry.

And she started laughing.

She laughed for almost a minute, while he stared at her wide-eyed and confused.

"I’m just imagining what kind of an asshole you are to her. The shit she probably has to deal with."

He bristled at the comment, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

She smiled, “You think I’m an idiot?”

She then gathered herself and walked away. The staff talked about it for months. He also quickly cut off the affair.

At least that’s what the staff noticed. They notice everything.

Somebody tried to steal my bike!!!

I left my bike out for 24 hours while I visited my parents, something I often do, and I came back to find somebody had cut the chain. That left my wheels exposed, but they didn’t touch my bike.

I think they may have been spooked by something and given up. I’m happy my bike is ok, but I’m a little anxious and annoyed. 

I’ve also a suspicion that this was a neighbor, but my girlfriend says I’m paranoid.

Anyway, my bike is now resting comfortably in my kitchen. I’m glad she’s ok.

Somebody tried to steal my bike!!!

I left my bike out for 24 hours while I visited my parents, something I often do, and I came back to find somebody had cut the chain. That left my wheels exposed, but they didn’t touch my bike.

I think they may have been spooked by something and given up. I’m happy my bike is ok, but I’m a little anxious and annoyed.

I’ve also a suspicion that this was a neighbor, but my girlfriend says I’m paranoid.

Anyway, my bike is now resting comfortably in my kitchen. I’m glad she’s ok.